Uncertainties and Brokenness

Do you ever get the feeling that your insides are a tumultuous storm that never subsides? Your heart seems so uncertain and overwhelmed that nothing seems to work right. It's a brokenness that encompasses the entirety of your being and seems to hold you captive. It can be repressed for a time and buried beneath superficial happiness or busyness, but it never goes away. It remains hidden within the deepest recesses of your heart. 

There is an immense fear and a perpetual wonder of what's hiding down there. Your own strength is not even close to being sufficient in dealing with those emotions and the lack of ability is absolutely terrifying. The only solution is letting go and allowing someone bigger than yourself (i.e. the Creator of the universe) to handle what you can't. There is such hope in God's unfailing love, even when everything seems to be crashing down around you. 

Psalm 18:1-2 ~

I love you, Lord, my strength. The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.

 

 

An Avalanche of Intellect

I proudly classify myself as a nerd. Sometimes my conversations and thought processes don't make a whole lot of sense to other people (or myself, for that matter) and there are concepts and ideas that I often contemplate, but have immense difficulty articulating. It isn't often that I find myself in a situation where other people are similarly minded and are willing to discuss a lot of the questions that I often ponder on my own. This evening presented me with the opportunity to revel in such an environment and it is like my brain has become an overfilled sponge that is about to burst.

I am currently taking summer classes at an environmental institute and am surrounded by remarkably intelligent individuals who have a passion for the creation, but more importantly, a passion for the Creator. Every person comes from a different background and has different views in various areas of science and theology. When these minds collide it turns into a marvelous discussion that can last for over three hours - this particular conversation began at the dinner table. 

Two students began discussing a topic of research that one of them had recently written a paper on. This topic revolved around dialectical tension - the relational tension between certain aspects of opposing or incompatible forces. An example of dialectical tension is industry vs. environment. There is a necessary tension between these two forces that continually separates them, but ultimately results in a continuing relational pull between the two. I'm not going to pretend that I fully understood all that was being discussed, but this topic of conversation led to a myriad of questions and debate that was unbelievably intriguing. The discussion of dialectical tension between the environment and industrial progress led to the contemplation of theoretical physics and human progress. There were debates concerning matter and antimatter, the need to continually progress and the damage that is done by continual progression, the relativity of time and how that relates to the story of creation, etc. Numerous ideas and questions were brought forth and no concrete answer was ever achieved. I am not much of a debater, but being present throughout the entirety of the discussion has sent my mind on a track of self-contemplation and an analysis of personal beliefs. There were often times that I disagreed with someone's opinion, but it led me to solidify what I believe and why I believe it. Being able to bounce ideas back and forth with a group of respectfully mature individuals creates an opportunity for incredible growth and intellectual stimulation. 

At the beginning of our discussion there were only six of us, but by the end we had accumulated an audience of about fifteen people. The variance in opinions was vast, but the ability to respectfully disagree was so prevalent that it created a safe environment for the unpacking of beliefs and an analysis of the reasoning behind those beliefs. Our discussion concluded on the topic of heaven and hell. We wrestled with the picture of a redeemed creation and what our individual appearance would be like in the new heaven and the new earth. We discussed the issue of purgatory, angels and demons, good vs. evil, and the dimensions of creation with God existing over all things. I cannot begin to describe how incredible of a discussion this was.

These types of conversations remind me how finite I am and how little I truly know about the complexities of creation and the enormity of the God I serve. Despite our hours of questioning and debating, we could never truly explain any topic that was brought to the table. There is a frustration and a beauty in not knowing. On one hand, the desire to know and the capacity for curiosity brings a fiery determination to discover what is unknown and to uncover the mysteries buried in creation. On the other hand, I am amazed and in wonderment at how little we are able to comprehend the intricacies of God's handiwork.

As a science major and a follower of Jesus Christ, I have found my brain working particularly hard to find a balance between the ideas and theories presented by the scientific community and my own personal beliefs. Wrestling with the biblical account of creation and the presentation of scientific material can sometimes be a jumbled mess of goop that bounces around my brain in never-ending chaotic motion. Discussions like the one mentioned above, allows for a bit of clarity and understanding. I still don't feel like I have adequately described the complexities of the conversation, nor have I been able to completely sort through the information that is percolating in my brain, but there was an intellectual high that has carried over and makes me excited for future interactions with this group of individuals. When my brain has been removed from this type of stimulation, I forget what it is like to let my mind explore and what clarity of thought feels like. Being surrounded by similarly passionate intellectual nerds is a wonderful experience and I am so excited for whatever conversations are initiated at upcoming dinners.

Up To Par Inadequacies

The term "Up to Par" is one that I don't use very frequently.  Earlier last week I became suddenly curious at the origin of the phrase and after some minor research I have learned that the term was first said in regard to stock exchange. It was used to recognize the value of one currency in terms of the value of another. It was not until 1776 that the word became applicable to the human condition and was then used to mean satisfactory, or feeling well. As society has progressed, the term has gained some negative denotations to being below par: unsuccessful, unintelligent, etc. 


As I began thinking about the idea of being up to par, I started to ponder the standards that society has placed before us and the requirements for leading successful lives. Particularly the expectations that are placed on women - through magazines, billboards, television, and social media - to be beautiful, independent and successful. There are images and voices everywhere telling young ladies that they are not good enough; that they do not look like Beyonce or Heidi Klum and therefore, cannot be found attractive. There are standards to being beautiful. Are you up to par with societies image?  What is your value in comparison with *insert attractive celebrity/model here*? 

This is applicable to men, as well. I'm not going to pretend that I have a deep understanding of the male mind (that would be terrifying), but there are still numerous expectations placed on men to be a man: to be physically attractive, to be a business mogul, to have as much money possible, to get the hottest girl, etc. While I am not the best person to unpack those issues, I can say with certainty that those things do not make a man. 


As I continued to reflect on the above mentioned standards and assumptions, I wanted to compare those standards of society with the biblical standards of beauty, success, and happiness.


Our culture has placed before us an image of beauty. Beauty is being unhealthily thin, applying makeup to hide blemishes, having the right clothing, and being found desirable by men; it is appearance and image. What a warped definition of beauty! Beauty is so much more than skin deep and the standards that have been set are not worth achieving. However, it is difficult to view yourself in an approving light when the entirety of society is behind you telling you that you aren't up to par. While there are numerous passages in Scripture that discuss self image and identity, one in particular presents a stark contrast to society's perception of beauty -  

 Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight. ~ 1 Peter 3:3-4

It makes my heart glad to reaffirm that God does not judge us based on our appearance, but values the condition of our hearts and the gentleness of our spirits - that is beauty in God's eyes. What a perfect contrast to the standards and expectations that society has established. We have been created with a purpose and with intentionality.

Being up to par with society's image of beauty entails a constant comparison of your own self-worth with the lives of individuals who always seem to have it better. This measuring of personal value in terms of the value of another only brings feelings of inadequacy and ineptness. The images that society presents to us of beauty, success, and happiness are shallow representations of empty lives. Lives that are in desperate need of and are in search of something to fill the void within their hearts. Christ has promised to fill that void and speaks into the deepest corners of our hearts that we are fearfully and wonderfully made with beauty and purpose. Why go searching and stumbling after a warped and imperfect standard when you can find true worth and beauty in the eyes of your Creator?