Uncertainties and Brokenness

Do you ever get the feeling that your insides are a tumultuous storm that never subsides? Your heart seems so uncertain and overwhelmed that nothing seems to work right. It's a brokenness that encompasses the entirety of your being and seems to hold you captive. It can be repressed for a time and buried beneath superficial happiness or busyness, but it never goes away. It remains hidden within the deepest recesses of your heart. 

There is an immense fear and a perpetual wonder of what's hiding down there. Your own strength is not even close to being sufficient in dealing with those emotions and the lack of ability is absolutely terrifying. The only solution is letting go and allowing someone bigger than yourself (i.e. the Creator of the universe) to handle what you can't. There is such hope in God's unfailing love, even when everything seems to be crashing down around you. 

Psalm 18:1-2 ~

I love you, Lord, my strength. The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.

 

 

An Avalanche of Intellect

I proudly classify myself as a nerd. Sometimes my conversations and thought processes don't make a whole lot of sense to other people (or myself, for that matter) and there are concepts and ideas that I often contemplate, but have immense difficulty articulating. It isn't often that I find myself in a situation where other people are similarly minded and are willing to discuss a lot of the questions that I often ponder on my own. This evening presented me with the opportunity to revel in such an environment and it is like my brain has become an overfilled sponge that is about to burst.

I am currently taking summer classes at an environmental institute and am surrounded by remarkably intelligent individuals who have a passion for the creation, but more importantly, a passion for the Creator. Every person comes from a different background and has different views in various areas of science and theology. When these minds collide it turns into a marvelous discussion that can last for over three hours - this particular conversation began at the dinner table. 

Two students began discussing a topic of research that one of them had recently written a paper on. This topic revolved around dialectical tension - the relational tension between certain aspects of opposing or incompatible forces. An example of dialectical tension is industry vs. environment. There is a necessary tension between these two forces that continually separates them, but ultimately results in a continuing relational pull between the two. I'm not going to pretend that I fully understood all that was being discussed, but this topic of conversation led to a myriad of questions and debate that was unbelievably intriguing. The discussion of dialectical tension between the environment and industrial progress led to the contemplation of theoretical physics and human progress. There were debates concerning matter and antimatter, the need to continually progress and the damage that is done by continual progression, the relativity of time and how that relates to the story of creation, etc. Numerous ideas and questions were brought forth and no concrete answer was ever achieved. I am not much of a debater, but being present throughout the entirety of the discussion has sent my mind on a track of self-contemplation and an analysis of personal beliefs. There were often times that I disagreed with someone's opinion, but it led me to solidify what I believe and why I believe it. Being able to bounce ideas back and forth with a group of respectfully mature individuals creates an opportunity for incredible growth and intellectual stimulation. 

At the beginning of our discussion there were only six of us, but by the end we had accumulated an audience of about fifteen people. The variance in opinions was vast, but the ability to respectfully disagree was so prevalent that it created a safe environment for the unpacking of beliefs and an analysis of the reasoning behind those beliefs. Our discussion concluded on the topic of heaven and hell. We wrestled with the picture of a redeemed creation and what our individual appearance would be like in the new heaven and the new earth. We discussed the issue of purgatory, angels and demons, good vs. evil, and the dimensions of creation with God existing over all things. I cannot begin to describe how incredible of a discussion this was.

These types of conversations remind me how finite I am and how little I truly know about the complexities of creation and the enormity of the God I serve. Despite our hours of questioning and debating, we could never truly explain any topic that was brought to the table. There is a frustration and a beauty in not knowing. On one hand, the desire to know and the capacity for curiosity brings a fiery determination to discover what is unknown and to uncover the mysteries buried in creation. On the other hand, I am amazed and in wonderment at how little we are able to comprehend the intricacies of God's handiwork.

As a science major and a follower of Jesus Christ, I have found my brain working particularly hard to find a balance between the ideas and theories presented by the scientific community and my own personal beliefs. Wrestling with the biblical account of creation and the presentation of scientific material can sometimes be a jumbled mess of goop that bounces around my brain in never-ending chaotic motion. Discussions like the one mentioned above, allows for a bit of clarity and understanding. I still don't feel like I have adequately described the complexities of the conversation, nor have I been able to completely sort through the information that is percolating in my brain, but there was an intellectual high that has carried over and makes me excited for future interactions with this group of individuals. When my brain has been removed from this type of stimulation, I forget what it is like to let my mind explore and what clarity of thought feels like. Being surrounded by similarly passionate intellectual nerds is a wonderful experience and I am so excited for whatever conversations are initiated at upcoming dinners.

Up To Par Inadequacies

The term "Up to Par" is one that I don't use very frequently.  Earlier last week I became suddenly curious at the origin of the phrase and after some minor research I have learned that the term was first said in regard to stock exchange. It was used to recognize the value of one currency in terms of the value of another. It was not until 1776 that the word became applicable to the human condition and was then used to mean satisfactory, or feeling well. As society has progressed, the term has gained some negative denotations to being below par: unsuccessful, unintelligent, etc. 


As I began thinking about the idea of being up to par, I started to ponder the standards that society has placed before us and the requirements for leading successful lives. Particularly the expectations that are placed on women - through magazines, billboards, television, and social media - to be beautiful, independent and successful. There are images and voices everywhere telling young ladies that they are not good enough; that they do not look like Beyonce or Heidi Klum and therefore, cannot be found attractive. There are standards to being beautiful. Are you up to par with societies image?  What is your value in comparison with *insert attractive celebrity/model here*? 

This is applicable to men, as well. I'm not going to pretend that I have a deep understanding of the male mind (that would be terrifying), but there are still numerous expectations placed on men to be a man: to be physically attractive, to be a business mogul, to have as much money possible, to get the hottest girl, etc. While I am not the best person to unpack those issues, I can say with certainty that those things do not make a man. 


As I continued to reflect on the above mentioned standards and assumptions, I wanted to compare those standards of society with the biblical standards of beauty, success, and happiness.


Our culture has placed before us an image of beauty. Beauty is being unhealthily thin, applying makeup to hide blemishes, having the right clothing, and being found desirable by men; it is appearance and image. What a warped definition of beauty! Beauty is so much more than skin deep and the standards that have been set are not worth achieving. However, it is difficult to view yourself in an approving light when the entirety of society is behind you telling you that you aren't up to par. While there are numerous passages in Scripture that discuss self image and identity, one in particular presents a stark contrast to society's perception of beauty -  

 Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight. ~ 1 Peter 3:3-4

It makes my heart glad to reaffirm that God does not judge us based on our appearance, but values the condition of our hearts and the gentleness of our spirits - that is beauty in God's eyes. What a perfect contrast to the standards and expectations that society has established. We have been created with a purpose and with intentionality.

Being up to par with society's image of beauty entails a constant comparison of your own self-worth with the lives of individuals who always seem to have it better. This measuring of personal value in terms of the value of another only brings feelings of inadequacy and ineptness. The images that society presents to us of beauty, success, and happiness are shallow representations of empty lives. Lives that are in desperate need of and are in search of something to fill the void within their hearts. Christ has promised to fill that void and speaks into the deepest corners of our hearts that we are fearfully and wonderfully made with beauty and purpose. Why go searching and stumbling after a warped and imperfect standard when you can find true worth and beauty in the eyes of your Creator?

Motivational Mishaps

Being unmotivated is a terrible feeling. When your mind is whirring with the list of things you need to accomplish it can turn into an inexperienced drummer gone wild in the very center of your brain. The only way to end his (or her) tyrannical spree would be to start completing the plethora of tasks that have become fuel for the continuation of your torture. This seems like a relatively simple solution - complete the tasks and kill the drummer, but it is never that easy.  

Brain matter.

If you haven't guessed by now, I am currently a victim of this sad state of monotony, stagnation, and perpetual headaches.  The list of things that need to be completed is daunting and frustrating. I don't even have a purpose for writing this other than the fact that it is creating some escape for a portion of my thoughts and aiding as a form of disentanglement for the jumbled mess that has become my brain.

In light of the uninterpretable happenings in my brain, I have decided to tell a story - a story of nonsense, humor, and unfinished business. For your reading pleasure, I present...well, it doesn't actually have a title.

"We gather here today to reminisce and make fun of that dirt rotten, no good, two-faced, lying, son-of-a-gun, and my best friend in the whole world."  This statement caused some distress among my other friends because he still owed each of them $2.17 - he was attempting to buy a goldfish farm and had asked each of them to invest. However, things went sour when he realized that the goldfish he purchased were not in fact goldfish at all. Rather, they were mutant tadpoles from an experimental radiation plant and were designed to join with the guinea pigs to combat the evil hamsters. When he realized his error it was already too late. The tadpoles eyes began to grow disproportionate to their bodies. In response to this rapid event, he built them elaborate power suits that would allow them to survive on land. They also were capable of communication through complex devices incorporated within the suits. their first words were, "Dude...wear some deodorant." The tadpoles were very forward with their comments. This gave him an overwhelming sense of shame. He fled the room in a tizzy and vowed to never create a race of super-tadpoles ever again. The very next day his friends - the ones who had each invested $2.17 - approached him to ask how the goldfish farm was going. He smiled nonchalantly and said, "It's going great! Except..." He paused. "They just don't seem to like me very much. I try to read them bedtime stories and sing them lullabies, but they always ignore me." He stopped as his friends had all started to spontaneously combust. He didn't know what to do, so he called upon the mutated tadpoles to come assist them. However, the tadpoles had no idea what to do. In their desperation, they threw the friends into a steaming vat of cow saliva. This might seem like a rash and rather absurd thing to do, but it actually stopped the combustion entirely. The friends were absolutely disgusted by their current location, but were even more stunned by the ingenuity of the tadpoles. It softened their opinion of them considerably. They couldn't stop staring in disbelief at the big-eyed, suited tadpoles. Suddenly, the friends turned to our protagonist and asked him, "What are your plans for these creatures? They certainly aren't goldfish." He thought for a bit and replied, "My plans for these creatures are still uncertain. They have shown themselves to be useful and I can no longer justify getting rid of them." His response made his friends nod in support. They decided that the fate of the super-tadpoles was now completely in their hands. They couldn't let the poor things be ostracized in regular society, so instead they initiated a plan to disguise them as regular citizens. This involved a little bit of ingenuity and a crazy amount of spray paint. The suits that had been constructed were colored fluorescent orange. That seemed a little too conspicuous, so they decided to spray them a rather nice shade of blue - teal, in fact. Once they looked classy, they created them an array of sun hats to hide their bulging eyes. Once the hats were placed on each of their heads the group of friends took a step back and surveyed their work. Our protagonist suddenly said, "This could work." They then took them out into public to test out the disguise.

It went horribly awry. The teal color they had painted was blatantly obvious and drew way too much attention. Immediately the group began to scream nonsensical phrases. The most common was, "Fruit Loops hail the king of masculine odor! Shun those who fear to bend the macaroni noodle!" This disturbed the mutant tadpoles and sent them into a frenzy. They began terrorizing small children and throwing very small rocks at the group of nonsensical friends. In response, the friends starting throwing rocks back at them. Before they knew it, the whole city was having a rock fight. This lasted for a total of five minutes. It had turned into quite a bloody ordeal when suddenly, the lovely elderly couple from 2B keeled over and died. This made the rest of the city burst out in laughter. That couple had been known for their hilarious practical jokes. Plus, nobody really liked them. Either way, the couple was still lying their motionless. The laughter soon faded to soft chuckles and quiet murmurs. A small child waled over to where the couple had fallen and began to do the dance from the Six Flag commercials. Everybody thought this was wildly inappropriate. They began throwing small rocks at the child and shouting obscenities. Suddenly, the child also collapsed into a heap on the ground. Startled, the people began chanting fanatically and moving in an odd circular manner around the three collapsed individuals. this was really starting to disturb the group of friends and the tadpoles had already begun to cower in fear at the sight of the cult ritual. The group tried to slip away, but they weren't watching their steps and ended up simultaneously tripping over backwards. This made the entire city stop cold and stare at the group. Instead of getting up and running, the group of friends pretended that they, too, had fallen to the ground, unconscious or dead. When the city walked over to them the group suddenly vanished! The tadpoles were gone as well and the city couldn't help but stare around in bewilderment. This surprising turn of events caused the city to form a search party. While they were angry at the group, they still needed to find them.

What had actually happened to the group was that they they been unintentionally teleported to an underground laboratory by a squad of camouflaged monkeys. The group was disoriented for a few minutes by the after-effects of teleportation, but the monkeys simply waited. When the group was reoriented, one of the monkeys stepped forward. He said, "You are not the friends we were looking for, but you will have to do. Please follow me." The friends were terrified because they couldn't actually see who/what was talking to them. They began scanning the room almost frantically, when suddenly the leader monkey pulled off his mask, revealing an intelligent, monkey face. "It's okay, you can trust me," he said in a reassuring voice. The friends were still very skeptical and wary, but the tadpoles immediately rushed over and gave the leader monkey a smothering group hug. The monkey smiled and hugged them back, laughing all the while. This made the friends very uncomfortable and unsure. However, they decided to follow the monkeys, who had all removed their masks at this point. "Alright, then - this way." And they started down a long, dark tunnel. Our protagonist asked, "Why are you able to speak? You're only a--" The movement of the monkey squad was so quick that our protagonist didn't even have time to bat an eyelash. The monkeys had drawn swords and were poised to strike. The leader casually turned and with surprising fierceness said, "A monkey?" He shook his head. "You speak of things with you do not know. We have not always been monkeys. Once, we were..."

Surprisingly, I feel a whole lot better now. Maybe typing out nonsensical stories and enjoying the creatively odd humor within them was just the thing I needed to re-motivate myself. Huh. I never would have guessed.

A Sad Society of Suffocating Complacency

My initial intent was to type out a specific quote, but found myself wanting to reference the entire page. Please excuse the mild obscenities.

"Cram them full of noncombustible data, chock them so damned full of 'facts' they feel stuffed, but absolutely 'brilliant' with information. Then they'll feel they're thinking, they'll get a sense of motion without moving. And they'll be happy, because facts of that sort don't change. Don't give them any slippery stuff like philosophy or sociology to tie things up with. That way lies melancholy. Any man who can take a TV wall apart and put it back together again, and most men can, nowadays, is happier than any man who tries to slide-rule, measure, and equate the universe, which just won't be measured or equated without making man feel bestial and lonely. I know, I've tried it; to hell with it. So bring on your clubs and parties, your acrobats and magicians, your daredevils, jet cars, motorcycle helicopters, your sex and heroin, more of everything to do with automatic reflex. If the drama is bad, if the film says nothing, if the play is hollow, sting me with the theremin, loudly. I'll think I'm responding to the play, when it's only a tactile reaction to vibration. But I don't care. I just like solid entertainment."

I have numerous thoughts that have been invigorated by this text, but haven't a wish to discuss them at this point. For now, I revel in the poignant statement that Ray Bradbury is illuminating through the entirety of his book. This paragraph is just a glimpse at the sad future described in Fahrenheit 451. I start to wonder if it could turn prophetic with the current trend of our society and the obsession with "feel-good-entertainment". Food for thought.

The Beginning of a Journey

My intentions for launching this brain vomit space is still not entirely clear to me and it has yet to be determined what exact shape this blog will take. However, I've often wanted a place to empty the tumbling thoughts that occupy my head and this provides that opportunity. Please bear with me and understand that this is as new to me as it is to you, just in different ways - you're reading it for the first time, I'm writing for the first time...you get the idea.

With that profound introduction in mind, let us begin!

I thought I'd start by delving into an explanation of the blog title. I want this to be a space of reflection and contemplation. I want to examine concepts and ideas that I will most often not have answers to. I want to express my own opinions in the hope that I will come to understand them better. It might be good to say that I am not a philosophical person and my posts will not be exceedingly profound, but it is not my goal to attain either of those labels. 

First - I want this to be a spotlight. Not because I want a buttload of attention, but because I sincerely want to examine my own opinions and be able to investigate the starting points behind my beliefs. My expectations for this blog is that I'll be able to reflect and sort through whatever is going on in my noggin. Some days it may be rather humorous and other days it may take on a more serious note. Either way, I'm optimistic that it will be beneficial to my own sanity (and hopefully provide some amusement along the way).

Second - I want this to be a looking glass. Not because I am an exceedingly vain person who is obsessed with her own image or ideas, but because I want it to be an honest reflection of what is happening in my life. This won't be a diary or secret journal, but I do hope to address topics in a personal way. It will encompass lessons that I am learning and things that God and I are working through. I won't be spilling my heart, but it will definitely be open.

There you have it. This is the start of something new and different from anything I've done before. Sometimes I will come to illogical conclusions and sometimes there will be no conclusion at all. However, I think it will be fun and I'm excited. In my opinion, we're off to a good start.